Looking for lizard people in all the wrong places

                Last month a man stopped his car in the middle of Pacific Avenue in Parkland, Washington got out and started waving an AK-47 around and screaming. It turns out that he had good reasons for behaving this way. He had apparently been told by President Trump to fight lizard people—a mission taken very seriously. After the man had been subdued and sufficiently tasered by police, it was determined that he had been taking illegal drugs. 

                Well, just because he was on meth doesn’t mean he wasn’t telling the truth. President Trump tweets out all kinds of odd messages to people. Maybe this is what “covfefe” was all about. This tweet may have been a code word to tell his loyal supporters to launch an attack on the lizard people.

                As the self-appointed watchman whose job it is to report important cultural phenomenon, I will inform you that there are supposedly 12 million Americans who believe that the country is being ruled by secret lizard people disguised as humans. A strange Englishman named David Icke started the theory and also claimed that the Queen of England and President Bush, were blood-sucking alien lizards that could change shape to disguise themselves as humans. Icke also claimed to be the son of god.

                OK, just because he’s crazy doesn’t mean he isn’t right about Bush. Neither of the Presidents named Bush got along particularly well with Donald Trump, so the claims of the guy in Parkland are starting to sound more plausible. Trump knew the Bushes were giant lizards, so he had to “covfefe” them out of existence to make America great again. That's what Trump means when he talks about "draining the swamp." That's a euphemism for getting rid of the lizard people.

                The problem with getting rid of the lizard people is to be able to identify them. Since they look like regular humans to us, we must look for the telltale signs. In the late 60s, there was a television show called, "The Invaders" in which aliens disguised themselves as humans while trying to take over the world. Humans could only recognize the invaders by their bent pinkies. 

                Unfortunately, lizard people can’t be recognized that way. David Icke knows how to spot them, but you need to buy his book to find out how he does it. However, I’m sure we can figure out how to recognize the lizard people amongst us if we think about it. Here are some key indicators to look for:

-          Sticking their tongues out to taste something. Ordinary human beings put food into their mouths to taste it. A lizard flicks food with his pointy little tongue to taste it.

-          Lisping when they speak. Lizard people can’t say things like “pistachio” without lisping. Sounds more like, “pisssstachio.” Clearly a lizard person.

-          Never have rodents or insects in their houses. You won’t find any because the lizard people eat them all.

-          Don’t allow you to see their baby after it is born. Lizard people lay eggs. They don’t want you to see that. Duh.

-          Spend a lot of money on luffas. Since they have dry, scaly skin, they need to exfoliate a lot. Anybody who buys more than one luffa in a lifetime is a lizard person.

Well, now that you know how to recognize lizard people it is time to load up your AK-47 and start hunting. Don’t worry about Pacific Avenue in Parkland, Washington. That has already been covered. Remember, loyal lizard warriors, don’t fire until you see the slits of their eyes.