Domo arigato Ms. Roboto

Just because I’m paranoid about robots, doesn’t mean they aren’t trying to take over the world. I just learned that in the great city of Tokyo, Japan a robot is running for mayor of the western part of the city, called Tama. The robot, who suspiciously doesn’t have a name, promises to be “fair and balanced” to the people.  The robots campaign slogan is, “Artificial intelligence will change Tama city.”

The silver robot is designed to look like a woman. I’m guessing that is to make it look less threatening to voters. Although instead of a traditional Japanese hairstyle, it has a sleek looking mohawk. I also can’t help but notice that the female robot candidate has D cup-sized breastplates. Good for her. That should be worth a few votes. I guess the Japanese voters have never seen the Austin Powers movie in which fembots attack him with guns poking out of their breasts. It was only his mojo that saved him from that booby trap.

 The proposed robot mayor is being promoted as an improvement over a regular human politician because it can analyze petitions put forth by the citizenry and propose solutions based on irrefutable data as opposed to the biased, self-serving manipulation of information concerning the request. Thus, the robot could logically and fairly condemn you to be a robot slave for the rest of your life in the best interests of the community. 

Some have criticized the idea of a robot mayor because the robot is programmed by someone else to do its bidding. But, really, how is that different from a human politician’s campaign manager? At least an artificial candidate doesn’t come with all the baggage that a human candidate has. For instance, you don’t have to worry about bimbo robot eruptions or a porn star announcing that she had an affair with the candidate sometime in the past. 

Or do you? With sex robots becoming more and more popular, how do we know that miss Tokyo mohawk boob job isn’t a retooled former employee from a sex robot bordello? Robot candidate is a little too hot to be a politician. A female robot politician should look more like Hillary Clinton than Scarlett Johansson.

I’m also a little concerned with the campaign slogan. “Artificial intelligence will change Tama city.” And what does the robot mean by “fair and balanced?” If all human inhabitants of Tama city become slaves to robots, is that considered fair and balanced since everyone is being treated the same?” Artificial intelligence would change the city, just not necessarily in a good way.

Still, there would be some benefits to having a robot candidate. For one thing, you wouldn’t have to have those annoying teleprompters anymore. The speech would just be uploaded into the robot’s brain, so it wouldn’t be so obvious that the candidate was being programmed by someone else. Also, a robot wouldn’t have to worry about flop sweat like Richard Nixon had. A robot candidate would be as telegenic as Jack Kennedy.

A robot candidate could also campaign endlessly without getting tired or passing out while getting into a van or something. You wouldn’t have to worry about a robot candidate driving their mistress off a bridge in the middle of the night either.

Another ultimately cool thing that a robot candidate could do is that it could be programmed to be a voting booth.  So, after the robot gave its campaign speech, you could just walk up and stick your ballet into its mouth.   

Actually, the more I think about it, a robot mayor doesn’t sound that bad.   

Getting flippy with hamburgers

In the past, I have written at length about the dangers of robots. Sure, robots look all cute and stuff in the Jetsons cartoons, but they are a lurking, societal timebomb just waiting to go off and destroy humanity. We are the agents of our robotic destruction, though. By insisting on increased wages for fast food employees, we have hastened the day when our Big Macs will be served to us by soulless machines that lack humanity and don’t even suffer from acne. 

A burger chain called CaliBurger has replaced its human hamburger flippers with a monstrosity named “Flippy” the robot. Flippy is essentially a mechanical arm that holds a spatula.  Flippy uses thermal imaging and 3D optics to determine when to flip the burgers. It then places the perfectly cooked patties on a hamburger bun. If the order calls for cheese or other toppings, the robot will summon a human to put it on. I’m wondering about the nature of this human summoning. Does Flippy crack a robotic whip?

JOB ALERT!  Hamburger robot cheese slave. Earn $15 per hour putting cheese slices on up to 150 hamburger patties hourly when summoned by your evil hamburger robot overlord. May also be required to put onions, pickles, lettuce, and tomatoes on the food product. Incorrect placement of hamburger toppings may result in instant vaporization by robot master. No smoke breaks.

The McDonalds Corporation has already begun placing ordering kiosks in its restaurants. Customers can use the kiosks to order their food without having to speak to a human being. Kiosk ordering is consistent with current trends in a society in which people prefer online interaction to actual human contact. McDonalds Corp insists that the kiosks will not cause its employees to lose their jobs. The corporation will move its employees to other positions within the restaurant. Sure. Other positions such as robot slave.

There was a story in the news last year that McDonald's was opening a restaurant in Phoenix that was completely run by robots. The restaurant was to be a prototype that, if successful, would herald the takeover of thousands of other restaurants with robots. Thus, McDonald's would no longer have to deal with human error, human hygiene, human laziness, human theft, or human wage protests. But, where is the fun in that?

The story turned out to be fake news. There is no robot restaurant in Phoenix. The real robot hamburger restaurant is in a secret government underground laboratory in New Mexico.

I haven’t been to any restaurants with hamburger ordering kiosks yet. I’m wondering how they can program these things to duplicate the wonderful experience of having a friendly human take your order. Is there a selection list that includes getting the order wrong, taking forever to fill it, adding a human hair, and spitting in your food if they don’t like you?

There are some experiences that just can’t be duplicated by robots.

Well, if they can replace the cashier and the hamburger cooker, how long before the rest of the positions at a fast food restaurant gets replaced? Surely, it can’t be that hard for evil scientists to design a robot that can put cheese slices on a burger. The fully automated McDonalds restaurant story may have been a hoax, but how long before it isn’t?  Once the fast food industry figures out how to eliminate all its annoying and overpaid human employees, they will only have one thing left to do to make the entire industry perfect. That is, they will have to figure out how to replace the human customers with robotic ones.   

Feathered Missiles of Death

This column was originally published on January 11, 2015, in the Sierra Vista Herald. 

My wife likes pets.  This is an understatement that will cause those readers out there who know her to snicker under their breath or, more likely, emit a loud guffaw.  She is the living example of Doctor Doolittle.  It isn’t just that she takes care of animals, she heals them, and yes, she talks to them. 

The problem is, the word has gotten out.  Wounded and stray animals always somehow manage to find their way to our house.  One night the neighbors brought their cat over.  It had been missing for several days, and when it finally showed up, it was puffy—like it was inflated with air. This was a medical phenomenon that I was not familiar with, and I had no idea how to deflate a puffer-cat.  My wife, on the other hand, knew what to do and correctly advised them—which was to do nothing.   The cat would deflate on its own, she surmised.  My solution would have been less helpful and probably would have involved a rolling pin and power tools. 

When we were living in Italy, my wife found a fledgling bird one day while out for a walk with her two rescue dogs.  She brought it home and nursed it to health and raised it, which was no easy task. A cage had to be built, and eye-dropper feedings had to be accomplished throughout the day and night. The kids named it Petrie, after the flying dinosaur character in the film, The Land Before Time. Petrie had a damaged leg but otherwise appeared to be healthy.  Finally, the day came to release Petrie into the wild.  We gathered on the balcony of our home, and I held Petrie up in my hands, and he flew off and landed in the nearest tree in our vegetable garden below.  Mission accomplished.  Later, while walking through the garden, Petrie came hopping up to me.  Uh oh.  I thought briefly of ignoring him and letting nature, in the form of stray cats, take care of the problem.  I couldn’t do it though, mostly because Miss Doctor Doolittle would somehow have known, thanks to those strange intuitive powers that woman have.  I picked up Petrie and took him into the house and delivered him into my wife’s hands so she could continue to try and heal the little bird.  After a few more weeks of the intense care that a wounded animal takes, we again gathered on the balcony to release Petrie into the wild.  Petrie had other ideas though.  As my wife held him aloft to release him, Petrie turned and jumped on her. He had experienced the wild and had experienced life in the care of my wife.  It was no contest. Petrie had become a permanent member of the household. 

This experience pretty much sums up the story behind every animal we have ever had.  Horses, donkeys, cats, dogs, fish, frogs, rabbits, and chickens.  The chickens are the most frightening creatures, of course.  They are not of this world.  I built a huge chicken coop for my wife when she decided she wanted these feathery fiends as pets.  I did not know what I was doing.  Chickens are miniature velociraptors that use colorful feathers to disguise their true identity. They will eat anything—living or dead.  In that regard, they are better than having pigs.  Woe be, however, to the man who walks too slowly through the chicken yard.  I stay away from them as they have been known to jump on your head—presumably to peck your eyes out on their way to eat your brain.  One time, my wife left me in charge of the animals while she went to visit family.  She told me that to get the chickens back in the coop, I had to take a bag of mealworms into the coop, and they would follow me in.  Once they were safely in the coop, I was to scatter some worms on the ground and then leave and shut the door.  Sounded simple enough.  I tried it, but instead of calmly following me, the chickens instantly launched themselves at me like feathery missiles of death.  I was suddenly in the center of a squawking and screeching feather, beak, and talon cyclone.  I threw the bag into the coop, slammed the door, and ran for my life.  Fortunately, the mealworms were more appetizing to the winged demons of hell than I was, so my escape was successful. 

 The good news is that I benefit from my wife’s love of animals too.  From her perspective, I’m just one more wounded animal that needs care.  As long as I understand where I am in the pecking order, I’m good.  

The new explorers

A new hip trend is in the news this week.  Now that the Tide Pod challenge is over, our youth have now distinguished themselves by snorting condoms up their noses. They are inhaling the condom up one of their nostrils and then reaching inside their mouths to pull it out. Classy. Of course, the act is posted on YouTube for everyone to enjoy. So far, this activity hasn’t resulted in as many emergency room visits as eating laundry detergent has but give it time.

It is unfortunate that people are criticizing these youngsters for these brave exploits. How is what they are doing now any different than previous American risk takers have done—men like Lewis and Clark or Neil Armstrong? I’m sure that when Merriweather Lewis announced that he was going to trek across 3,700 miles of bear-infested, uncharted wilderness to find CenturyLink Field, he also had detractors. I bet he also had plenty of emergency room visits. Unfortunately, the YouTube videos of this trip were lost long ago. No doubt there were plenty of cruel memes and nagging medical opinions posted on Facebook mocking their efforts at the time.

I’m sure that Neil Armstrong was also derided in 1969 when he announced he was going to walk on the moon. Social media was probably full of statements like, “Don’t young people today have any sense?” and “I’m sorry, but I refuse to take any advice on civil rights from a generation that walks on the moon.” There were probably lots of quotes from doctors claiming that moonwalking causes plantar fasciitis and low testosterone. Fortunately, Armstrong’s famous walk has been immortalized forever on MTV, so we can still share in the moment.

Sure, eating laundry detergent and snorting condoms may not have the same historical, world-changing impact as exploring uncharted wilderness and space, but what is there left to discover for young people today? The entire earth has already been explored with GoogleEarth, and the moon has repeatedly been walked on by Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Michael Jackson and others.

Of course, there is still Mars to explore, but we are still working out the logistics for that trip. Once scientists figure out how to put a Starbucks on the spaceship as well as a nine-month supply of avocados, I’m sure the Tide-Pod generation will be on its way. It can take up to 300 days to make the journey so that the voyage will generate lots of YouTube videos of the astronauts snorting and eating their space equipment.

The Mars astronauts won’t be eating Tide Pods though since astronauts don’t wash their clothes in space. They wear the same underwear for days at a time, and then they jettison it into space where it burns up in Earth’s atmosphere. When you wish upon a falling star, it is probably just Neil Armstrong’s tighty-whities falling back to earth. 

You may remember from the Apollo space missions that Alan Shepard filmed himself hitting golf balls on the moon. So, you see it is not only the current generation that films itself engaged in whimsical and pointless activities. The question is, what will astronauts do on Mars once they get there to top Shepard’s antics? It is too hard to eat or snort things up your nose when you’re wearing a space helmet so they will have to come up with something else.

Whatever they come up with, I’m sure there will be plenty of people cruelly mocking their efforts. Remember though, that person you see snorting a Frappuccino up their nose through a straw may be our next Neil Armstrong.  

Modern dining etiquette for all you old people

Family meals have always been an important part of American culture.  It is here that parents teach their youngsters how to establish a healthy diet, how to interact with other family members or guests socially, and how to use proper table etiquette. However, given changes in society today, it is important to update etiquette rules to match the times.

Many of us who were born back in the days when the solar system still had nine planets have not been properly trained in modern table-manners. To help prevent us from committing a table etiquette faux pas (French for fox excrement), I will do my best to provide modern, up-to-date guidance on how to behave correctly at the modern dinner table.

Dressing for dinner.  Make sure you are properly attired and groomed for the dinner table.  Ensure you have recently cleaned your bare feet and if you sit cross-legged on the chair, make sure to keep your feet and knees below the level of the table surface. Also, if you are not wearing pants, please make sure your undergarments are clean and have no holes in them. Do not wear a white thong after Labor Day.

Handling the cutlery. You should grasp your fork in your left hand with the tines pointed downward. Stab your food with the fork using a downward motion and then tilt the fork and the food toward your mouth. To avoid an awkward contortion of your arm and to avoid dropping the food on the table, tilt your head back so you can dangle the food over your open mouth and suck the food off the tines. 

Verifying the correctness of the food. After the host has placed the food on the table be sure to interrogate them to ensure the food doesn’t violate your food aversions, political ideology, or religion. It is the responsibility of the food provider to ensure the food is gluten-free, free-range, meat-free, organic, and not genetically modified. If the cook fails to do this, explain the error to them and politely push the plate away. If there is meat on the plate, it is appropriate to sob slightly and then take the meat out into the backyard for burial after offering a prayer to mother earth.

Conversation at the table. It is important to keep the conversation lively by loudly talking about politics and religion. State your positions on gun control, abortions, human sexuality, illegal immigration, religious tolerance, and Donald Trump confidently and in as self-righteous a tone as possible. Make frequent use of nonsequiturs to help solidify your position. Do not tolerate differences of opinion without appropriately labeling the dissenter as an extremist. 

Electronic devices.  Be sure to keep your personal electronic device on the table or in your lap during the meal. Make sure to program your device to make obnoxious noises when a message, text, alert, or phone call comes in. If you have your phone set to vibrate, be sure to place it on the bread plate so that it makes as much noise as possible. Answer all texts and Snapchats as soon as possible. In this way, you can ensure that everyone at the table understands how busy your life is and appreciate how lucky they are that you almost included them in it. 

I think if more of the mature people in our society learned these important changes in etiquette, meals would be much more enjoyable for all involved. The pointless attempt to cling to traditional table manners will only result in hurt feelings and the need to go to a safe place.