2018 Predictions

It is time, once again, for me to employ my awesome Nostradamus powers in making my annual predictions. As usual, I will try to come up with the most outlandish and far-fetched forecasts for the future and then become dumbfounded when they all come true. What can I say? It’s a gift.

1. Russian interference investigation ends. Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller investigation will confirm that there was collusion between Russia and the Trump Campaign during the presidential election. Unfortunately, the results of the inquiry will be thrown out when it is revealed that Mueller is Hillary Clinton in disguise.

2. Trump eliminates press secretary. President Trump will eliminate the press secretary position and the press corps. Getting rid of press conferences, televised presidential addresses, and diplomatic cables, Trump will decide to communicate solely by tweet. The space in the West Wing dedicated to daily press briefings will become a clothing outlet store for Ivanka. 

3. The Oscars go full political. The Motion Picture Academy will introduce a new Oscar category called "Best Anti-Trump Speech." Jimmy Kimmel will announce that this year's winner is Meryl Streep, but moments later he will recant and announce that the real winner is Alec Baldwin. Before any of this can be sorted out, Kayne West will stride on stage and declare that the Oscar should go to his wife, Kim. A fight will ensue.

4. Fake News Network launches. A new network dedicated to broadcasting inaccurate and biased information provided solely by anonymous sources, composite characters, and Russian disinformation campaigns will be established. The network’s rating will soar, revealing that the public really doesn’t want balanced reporting. FNN will drive all other news networks into bankruptcy within three months. 

5. North Korea nukes itself. Kim Jong-un decides to get rid of dissidents, spies, and defectors in his own country by ordering the nuclear destruction of North Korea. Although most of the missiles will detonate on the launching pad, a sufficient amount will get far enough off the ground to obliterate every major city in North Korea. However, most of the current residents in North Korea won’t notice much of a difference in their quality of life. Kim will then order everyone in the country to show their allegiance to him by getting a haircut just like his. As a result, the North Korean people will revolt and remove him from power. 

6. Sex rehab becomes America's most prominent industry. After every member of the entertainment and news industry and half of the politicians in the country are accused of sexual harassment, a plethora of sex therapy clinics will sprout up across the land. Resorts and health spas everywhere will cater to the new demand by hiring sex therapist to help the legion of wealthy celebrities who can’t keep their pants on. Sex therapy studies will become the most sought-after liberal arts college degree in American Universities.

7. The NFL goes robotic. As Americans continue to be disappointed by football player behavior, injuries, arrests, and obscene salaries, the NFL will try replacing players with unpaid robots. All rules barring late hits, unnecessary roughness, unsportsmanlike conduct, and excessive celebration will be removed from the game to make it more appealing to bloodthirsty fans. The experiment will fail, however, when all the robot players take a knee during the national anthem. 

Well, that’s it for this year. No doubt these predictions will seem somewhat tame at the end of the year when reality turns out to be much more outlandish than what I have predicted. What can I say? Things just keep getting better. Happy New Year!

Liquid narcissism

                Surprisingly, I was first introduced to cappuccino in Italy instead of at a Starbucks. I loved it. While, for the most part, I'm a two-cups-of-black coffee-in-the-morning kind of guy, I did learn to enjoy cappuccino after an excellent Italian meal. It was like putting an exclamation mark at the end of a great culinary experience. 

               Although cappuccino is an experience that stands on its own, people began to doodle stuff in the milk-foam on top. It started out with just hearts, I think. I never saw anything like that in Italy. Thank goodness. I’m not sure how I would have reacted if an Italian barista handed me a cup of coffee with a heart in it.

              Before long, other images began to appear in the milk foam. Pandas seem to be a favorite image for some reason. Owls and other round-headed animals sometimes popped up as well. However, the selfie-generation has now combined their love of coffee, technology, and themselves into a single over-priced drink. 

              Somebody figured out how to program a cappuccino machine to produce an image of that person that means the most to people willing to pay $7.50 for a 31-cent cup of coffee—themselves. A London tea shop has come up with a way to froth cappuccino so that it recreates the image of the person drinking it. They call it, of course, a selfieccino.

             The customer must message a photo of themselves to the barista to achieve this act of self-love. The barista downloads the picture into the cappuccino machine that reproduces the image in the foam on top of the drink. This clearly provides a valuable service to narcissists everywhere as they no longer need to lose time looking away from their pricey coffee drink to gaze at an image of themselves on their phones. Now they can drink and love themselves without wasting time or risk spilling coffee on their Converse sneakers. 

              While a seemingly harmless act, I can see how the selfiecinno trend might lead to mischief. How long will it be before someone hacks into the cappuccino machine and starts downloading alternative images? Eventually, someone will realize too late they are drinking a likeness of  Nancy Pelosi or Lyle Lovett. It could get even worse. What would someone like Harvey Weinstein do with this technology? Or Anthony Weiner? The possibilities are frightening.

 Of course, this technology will start crossing over into other food items. Soon someone will figure out how to burn selfie images into bread so that people can more fully enjoy their avocado on toast snack. What else will happen? Selfie images in craft beer foam? Your face burned onto the tortilla used to make street tacos? Vegan cookie face art? Can you put selfie images on kimchi? Whatever food item that can be altered to suit a narcissist, soon will be. Naturally, the food item will roughly double in price, but what're a few bucks when self-love is involved?

There was a story in the news recently about some parents who put their child’s image on a bottle of wine to give to his teacher as a Christmas present. Although this initially sounded like a form of self-love, the parents added a note saying that their child might be the reason the teacher turns to drink.

Maybe that is why narcissists buy coffee drinks with their image on it. They are so bored by their self-love that they need caffeine to stay awake for it. I'll drink to that. I wonder if you can get your image on Irish Coffee?

Beware of Amazon packages

In November I wrote about a crazed woman in Colorado Springs who was defecating on other people’s lawns. No one knows why she was doing this, but it seems she may have started something. Apparently, the mad poopers have gone commercial, now. Early this month, an Amazon delivery person was filmed leaving a "special" package for an unsuspecting customer in Sacramento, California. 

            The homeowner who found the surprise gift thought that someone's dog had done it, but when he reviewed his security tapes, he saw a U-Haul driver delivering packages for Amazon pull up in front of his house. The female driver jumped out and left her mark, so to speak, in the gutter in front of his garage. Classy. I’ve heard of skid marks on the driveway, but not that kind.

            There are a couple of questions that come to mind.

First of all, is the mad pooper of Colorado Springs now working for Amazon in Sacramento? I know the mad pooper was facing a lot of pressure in Colorado, so it is possible she decided to take her act on the road. Instead of being an amateur pooper, maybe she has decided to go pro--a drive-by pooper for hire.

           The next question is, was this just a case of the woman having an emergency bowel movement or was she purposely delivering a package? Because, if this is a new Amazon service, I can think of several people who I’d like to send a gift like this to. In fact, I’m guessing this would be a real bonanza for Amazon if they market it correctly.

        Here are some of the potential package deliveries that could be made available to Amazon customers:

•          Economy package – just a simple gift on the doorstep for that special someone.
•          Burning bag package – your special gift placed in a burning paper bag and left on the doorstep after the delivery person rings the doorbell and runs away.
•          Screaming monkey package – get your message across with a troop of monkeys flinging their feces at the object of your affection.
•          Air delivery package – Amazon will airdrop your gift from a delivery drone for when you want to send your special message to someone while they are relaxing in the backyard. 
•       Depth charge package – let Amazon airdrop your special gift into your target's backyard pool and then film the resulting hilarity.
•          Official mail package – send your local or national elected official clear feedback on their performance.

   Of course, customers would need to designate the source of the “package.” Options would include dog, cow, monkey, wombat, elephant, or Amazon delivery person (special fees may apply). You man send packages by ground, air, or express for “when it absolutely, positively needs to be there overnight.” 

     Amazon could borrow some of FedEx’s old slogans to promote this new service:

-                           "It's not just a package; it's your business."

-                           “Our most important package is yours.”

-                           “We live to deliver.”

  Now, this new trend may become a part of international diplomacy, as well. Instead of ineffective UN sanctions and weak-kneed "line in the sand" saber-rattling statements, national leaders could get their point across with a carpet poop bombing of an international rival's capital. Of course, this action could lead to a whole new kind of arms race.  

         I’m sure that Amazon delivery person had no idea that her unscripted bathroom break could lead to a whole new mail industry in America. And remember, neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.  

Looking for lizard people in all the wrong places

                Last month a man stopped his car in the middle of Pacific Avenue in Parkland, Washington got out and started waving an AK-47 around and screaming. It turns out that he had good reasons for behaving this way. He had apparently been told by President Trump to fight lizard people—a mission taken very seriously. After the man had been subdued and sufficiently tasered by police, it was determined that he had been taking illegal drugs. 

                Well, just because he was on meth doesn’t mean he wasn’t telling the truth. President Trump tweets out all kinds of odd messages to people. Maybe this is what “covfefe” was all about. This tweet may have been a code word to tell his loyal supporters to launch an attack on the lizard people.

                As the self-appointed watchman whose job it is to report important cultural phenomenon, I will inform you that there are supposedly 12 million Americans who believe that the country is being ruled by secret lizard people disguised as humans. A strange Englishman named David Icke started the theory and also claimed that the Queen of England and President Bush, were blood-sucking alien lizards that could change shape to disguise themselves as humans. Icke also claimed to be the son of god.

                OK, just because he’s crazy doesn’t mean he isn’t right about Bush. Neither of the Presidents named Bush got along particularly well with Donald Trump, so the claims of the guy in Parkland are starting to sound more plausible. Trump knew the Bushes were giant lizards, so he had to “covfefe” them out of existence to make America great again. That's what Trump means when he talks about "draining the swamp." That's a euphemism for getting rid of the lizard people.

                The problem with getting rid of the lizard people is to be able to identify them. Since they look like regular humans to us, we must look for the telltale signs. In the late 60s, there was a television show called, "The Invaders" in which aliens disguised themselves as humans while trying to take over the world. Humans could only recognize the invaders by their bent pinkies. 

                Unfortunately, lizard people can’t be recognized that way. David Icke knows how to spot them, but you need to buy his book to find out how he does it. However, I’m sure we can figure out how to recognize the lizard people amongst us if we think about it. Here are some key indicators to look for:

-          Sticking their tongues out to taste something. Ordinary human beings put food into their mouths to taste it. A lizard flicks food with his pointy little tongue to taste it.

-          Lisping when they speak. Lizard people can’t say things like “pistachio” without lisping. Sounds more like, “pisssstachio.” Clearly a lizard person.

-          Never have rodents or insects in their houses. You won’t find any because the lizard people eat them all.

-          Don’t allow you to see their baby after it is born. Lizard people lay eggs. They don’t want you to see that. Duh.

-          Spend a lot of money on luffas. Since they have dry, scaly skin, they need to exfoliate a lot. Anybody who buys more than one luffa in a lifetime is a lizard person.

Well, now that you know how to recognize lizard people it is time to load up your AK-47 and start hunting. Don’t worry about Pacific Avenue in Parkland, Washington. That has already been covered. Remember, loyal lizard warriors, don’t fire until you see the slits of their eyes.

Sex addict booty camp

                I’m frequently amazed at the ingenious ways people come up with to become wealthy. Take the inventor of the Snuggie, for instance. Some guy in Maine got drunk, I’m guessing, and accidentally wore his fleece bathrobe backward and decided to call it a Snuggie. He made over $200 million from the idea. Genius. I've tried to think of similar ideas by wearing different clothing items backward, but somehow nothing seems to work. Wearing your hat reversed makes people think you are an idiot. Wearing your shirt backward makes people think you are a priest. Wearing your pajama bottoms backward just sends all kinds of wrong messages--especially if you have the kind with a flap in the back. 

                 Although the sleeved blanket Snuggie idea was simple, some get-rich scams require a little more imagination. For instance, the man who came up with the sex addiction rehab clinic in Wickenburg, Arizona, called “The Meadows” really put some thought into it. The guy who runs it, Dr. Patrick Carnes, refers to it as a “boot camp” for sex addicts. I think he meant to say, “bootie camp” for rich jerks.

                The sex addiction rehab program is called the “Gentle Path.” Not exactly “boot camp” sounding to me. People they treat are advised to stay there for the full 45-day treatment.  The patients aren't allowed to have cell phones, computers, video games, novels, magazines, weapons, or access to the internet. The poor troubled souls just make due with horseback riding, a fitness center, a swimming pool, yoga classes, acupuncture treatments, tai chi, etc. all on a beautiful 35-acre facility with desert mountain views.

                 This place sounds like it would be a pretty good getaway for most people. However, only the cream of society can stay at this resort, as a 45-day stay costs $58,000. The latest to be treated at this high-priced getaway was Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey. Past guests have been Elle Macpherson, Kate Moss, and Salena Gomez, to name a few. Sounds like just the kind of place Harvey Weinstein would like to hang out. He might already know some of the patients. They probably have a wing named after him.  

                According to their website “At the Meadows, our rehabilitation facility provides a safe, confidential and healing environment for sexual addiction treatment. Our expert treatment staff helps each client look at the core issues that caused the addiction to heal the underlying cause of the addiction. Our reputation is unmatched in the treatment of sexual disorders, and our positive client outcomes shape our legacy.” 

This treatment sounds pretty complicated for people whose only real problem is not being able to keep their pants zipped up.

                I must hand it to Dr. Carnes, though, he came up with a program where he gets to hang out with A-list celebrities for 45 days, force them to realize what schmucks they are, and then charge them enough money to buy himself a new Porsche every month. Forget about Snuggies; this guy is the king of selling dumb-ass products. With the way things are going in the entertainment industry, news media, and politics Carnes is going to be wealthier than a Saudi prince by the end of the year.

                Maybe I should get in on some of this action. For only $10,000 I’d get these oversexed creeps cured in a week. Never mind yoga therapy and looking at core issues, my treatment plan would only require a poster of a Victoria’s Secret model and a shock collar.

                Heck. If they stay for the whole program, I’ll even throw in a Snuggie.

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Hipster Rats

               

    Well, I guess it had to happen. A couple of years ago, the online universe was shaken by the appearance of something called “pizza rat.” Pizza rat was just an ordinary, working class, New York rodent trying to push a slice of pizza down the stairs at a subway station. We don't know where pizza rat was going. He may have been bringing home some pie to his family for pizza night, or he could have been delivering it to some other rat. You know, like a pizza delivery rat, or something. 

    It was a massive development in our culture at the time. (What is wrong with us?) It inspired several Halloween costumes that year (until someone decided it was appropriated rat culture), a music video (no, it didn’t star Taylor Swift), and an elaborate conspiracy theory involving someone named Zardulu (a mysterious masked woman who claims she trains rats for performance art and does other weird things). The pizza rat video went viral and became the subject of newspaper columns and talk shows across the land. 

    And now we have another rat story breaking the internet. Last month someone managed to take a video of a rat pushing a slice of avocado down the subway tracks in New York. The new rat-star is being dubbed the Millennial version of pizza rat. Apparently eating avocado is another one of those things that hipsters do because it's healthier and somehow ironic. 

    Now, this brings up an important question. When you're creating the next viral video of a rat dragging some food through the subway how do you know if it is a blue-collar or a hipster rat? It is essential to know so you can use the correct keywords for the internet search engines.

    The problem with identifying hipsters is that they like to do a lot of stuff that rednecks do. They are kind of like metrosexual hillbillies. They grow beards, wear flannel and denim, drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and eat stuff that comes out of food trucks. So how are you supposed to correctly determine the social category of the rats we keep seeing in the New York subway? 

    I will attempt to describe ways you can categorize your subway rat, so you can adequately label them for your viral video masterpieces. 

    Now apparently the pizza rat is a blue-collar rat since no self-respecting hipster would eat pizza unless it had kale or artisanal pickles on it. Thus, if you see a rat with pizza, you must pay close attention to the toppings. Be careful to distinguish between a pizza with green onions (blue-collar) and pizza with ramps (unbelievably, almost fatally hipster). 

    A rat pushing a taco down the steps at the subway might seem to most people to be blue-collar. However, the category of the rodent is determined by the source of the taco. If it came from Taco Bell, you’re looking at a blue-collar rat. If the taco came from a food truck, it is a hipster for sure. 

    It is difficult to determine what type of rat you're looking at based on what kind of beer it is rolling down the steps. If it is a craft beer or an IPA, you can quickly identify the rat as a hipster. However, if the rat has a PBR or an Old Milwaukee, you can only surmise its category by asking it if it is trying to be ironic. 

    I hope this helps you with your subway rat identification problem. If you're going to get into showbiz, you need to be able to identify the rats.