Beware of Amazon packages

In November I wrote about a crazed woman in Colorado Springs who was defecating on other people’s lawns. No one knows why she was doing this, but it seems she may have started something. Apparently, the mad poopers have gone commercial, now. Early this month, an Amazon delivery person was filmed leaving a "special" package for an unsuspecting customer in Sacramento, California. 

            The homeowner who found the surprise gift thought that someone's dog had done it, but when he reviewed his security tapes, he saw a U-Haul driver delivering packages for Amazon pull up in front of his house. The female driver jumped out and left her mark, so to speak, in the gutter in front of his garage. Classy. I’ve heard of skid marks on the driveway, but not that kind.

            There are a couple of questions that come to mind.

First of all, is the mad pooper of Colorado Springs now working for Amazon in Sacramento? I know the mad pooper was facing a lot of pressure in Colorado, so it is possible she decided to take her act on the road. Instead of being an amateur pooper, maybe she has decided to go pro--a drive-by pooper for hire.

           The next question is, was this just a case of the woman having an emergency bowel movement or was she purposely delivering a package? Because, if this is a new Amazon service, I can think of several people who I’d like to send a gift like this to. In fact, I’m guessing this would be a real bonanza for Amazon if they market it correctly.

        Here are some of the potential package deliveries that could be made available to Amazon customers:

•          Economy package – just a simple gift on the doorstep for that special someone.
•          Burning bag package – your special gift placed in a burning paper bag and left on the doorstep after the delivery person rings the doorbell and runs away.
•          Screaming monkey package – get your message across with a troop of monkeys flinging their feces at the object of your affection.
•          Air delivery package – Amazon will airdrop your gift from a delivery drone for when you want to send your special message to someone while they are relaxing in the backyard. 
•       Depth charge package – let Amazon airdrop your special gift into your target's backyard pool and then film the resulting hilarity.
•          Official mail package – send your local or national elected official clear feedback on their performance.

   Of course, customers would need to designate the source of the “package.” Options would include dog, cow, monkey, wombat, elephant, or Amazon delivery person (special fees may apply). You man send packages by ground, air, or express for “when it absolutely, positively needs to be there overnight.” 

     Amazon could borrow some of FedEx’s old slogans to promote this new service:

-                           "It's not just a package; it's your business."

-                           “Our most important package is yours.”

-                           “We live to deliver.”

  Now, this new trend may become a part of international diplomacy, as well. Instead of ineffective UN sanctions and weak-kneed "line in the sand" saber-rattling statements, national leaders could get their point across with a carpet poop bombing of an international rival's capital. Of course, this action could lead to a whole new kind of arms race.  

         I’m sure that Amazon delivery person had no idea that her unscripted bathroom break could lead to a whole new mail industry in America. And remember, neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.