2018 Predictions

It is time, once again, for me to employ my awesome Nostradamus powers in making my annual predictions. As usual, I will try to come up with the most outlandish and far-fetched forecasts for the future and then become dumbfounded when they all come true. What can I say? It’s a gift.

1. Russian interference investigation ends. Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller investigation will confirm that there was collusion between Russia and the Trump Campaign during the presidential election. Unfortunately, the results of the inquiry will be thrown out when it is revealed that Mueller is Hillary Clinton in disguise.

2. Trump eliminates press secretary. President Trump will eliminate the press secretary position and the press corps. Getting rid of press conferences, televised presidential addresses, and diplomatic cables, Trump will decide to communicate solely by tweet. The space in the West Wing dedicated to daily press briefings will become a clothing outlet store for Ivanka. 

3. The Oscars go full political. The Motion Picture Academy will introduce a new Oscar category called "Best Anti-Trump Speech." Jimmy Kimmel will announce that this year's winner is Meryl Streep, but moments later he will recant and announce that the real winner is Alec Baldwin. Before any of this can be sorted out, Kayne West will stride on stage and declare that the Oscar should go to his wife, Kim. A fight will ensue.

4. Fake News Network launches. A new network dedicated to broadcasting inaccurate and biased information provided solely by anonymous sources, composite characters, and Russian disinformation campaigns will be established. The network’s rating will soar, revealing that the public really doesn’t want balanced reporting. FNN will drive all other news networks into bankruptcy within three months. 

5. North Korea nukes itself. Kim Jong-un decides to get rid of dissidents, spies, and defectors in his own country by ordering the nuclear destruction of North Korea. Although most of the missiles will detonate on the launching pad, a sufficient amount will get far enough off the ground to obliterate every major city in North Korea. However, most of the current residents in North Korea won’t notice much of a difference in their quality of life. Kim will then order everyone in the country to show their allegiance to him by getting a haircut just like his. As a result, the North Korean people will revolt and remove him from power. 

6. Sex rehab becomes America's most prominent industry. After every member of the entertainment and news industry and half of the politicians in the country are accused of sexual harassment, a plethora of sex therapy clinics will sprout up across the land. Resorts and health spas everywhere will cater to the new demand by hiring sex therapist to help the legion of wealthy celebrities who can’t keep their pants on. Sex therapy studies will become the most sought-after liberal arts college degree in American Universities.

7. The NFL goes robotic. As Americans continue to be disappointed by football player behavior, injuries, arrests, and obscene salaries, the NFL will try replacing players with unpaid robots. All rules barring late hits, unnecessary roughness, unsportsmanlike conduct, and excessive celebration will be removed from the game to make it more appealing to bloodthirsty fans. The experiment will fail, however, when all the robot players take a knee during the national anthem. 

Well, that’s it for this year. No doubt these predictions will seem somewhat tame at the end of the year when reality turns out to be much more outlandish than what I have predicted. What can I say? Things just keep getting better. Happy New Year!