Well, I guess it had to happen. A couple of years ago, the online universe was shaken by the appearance of something called “pizza rat.” Pizza rat was just an ordinary, working class, New York rodent trying to push a slice of pizza down the stairs at a subway station. We don't know where pizza rat was going. He may have been bringing home some pie to his family for pizza night, or he could have been delivering it to some other rat. You know, like a pizza delivery rat, or something.
It was a massive development in our culture at the time. (What is wrong with us?) It inspired several Halloween costumes that year (until someone decided it was appropriated rat culture), a music video (no, it didn’t star Taylor Swift), and an elaborate conspiracy theory involving someone named Zardulu (a mysterious masked woman who claims she trains rats for performance art and does other weird things). The pizza rat video went viral and became the subject of newspaper columns and talk shows across the land.
And now we have another rat story breaking the internet. Last month someone managed to take a video of a rat pushing a slice of avocado down the subway tracks in New York. The new rat-star is being dubbed the Millennial version of pizza rat. Apparently eating avocado is another one of those things that hipsters do because it's healthier and somehow ironic.
Now, this brings up an important question. When you're creating the next viral video of a rat dragging some food through the subway how do you know if it is a blue-collar or a hipster rat? It is essential to know so you can use the correct keywords for the internet search engines.
The problem with identifying hipsters is that they like to do a lot of stuff that rednecks do. They are kind of like metrosexual hillbillies. They grow beards, wear flannel and denim, drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and eat stuff that comes out of food trucks. So how are you supposed to correctly determine the social category of the rats we keep seeing in the New York subway?
I will attempt to describe ways you can categorize your subway rat, so you can adequately label them for your viral video masterpieces.
Now apparently the pizza rat is a blue-collar rat since no self-respecting hipster would eat pizza unless it had kale or artisanal pickles on it. Thus, if you see a rat with pizza, you must pay close attention to the toppings. Be careful to distinguish between a pizza with green onions (blue-collar) and pizza with ramps (unbelievably, almost fatally hipster).
A rat pushing a taco down the steps at the subway might seem to most people to be blue-collar. However, the category of the rodent is determined by the source of the taco. If it came from Taco Bell, you’re looking at a blue-collar rat. If the taco came from a food truck, it is a hipster for sure.
It is difficult to determine what type of rat you're looking at based on what kind of beer it is rolling down the steps. If it is a craft beer or an IPA, you can quickly identify the rat as a hipster. However, if the rat has a PBR or an Old Milwaukee, you can only surmise its category by asking it if it is trying to be ironic.
I hope this helps you with your subway rat identification problem. If you're going to get into showbiz, you need to be able to identify the rats.
