Activities that would typically
only be seen at family barbecues or seedy sports bars are being televised and
promoted as legitimate sports. For example, as I was surfing sports channels
recently, I came across the word “cornhole.” This word has two meanings for me.
One is a reference to a game played with bean bags by drunken tailgating fans.
The other meaning is not appropriate for polite conversation. I was a little
hesitant to click on the channel but was reasonably sure I would see a game and
not a tape of Joe Exotic’s last honeymoon. However, with the way things are
progressing in society these days, I probably won’t take the chance next year
if presented with the same dilemma. As hoped, when I tuned in the cornhole
channel, I was treated to a match between two determined (and fully clothed) individuals
competing in a grueling game of cornhole. Whew!
Now, I don’t want to cast shade
on all those cornhole athletes out there who have worked their way up through
the ranks over the years to become top-ranked cornhole athletes. I’m sure they
have put plenty of effort into perfecting the art of tossing a bean bag through
a hole in a board. However, I was always under the impression that the only
attraction for this game is that it is one of a few you could play while
holding a beer and that you didn’t necessarily have to be sober while playing
it. So I was surprised to learn that the cornholers have organized themselves
into a national league called the American Cornhole Association, and they even
have governing rules. The Association specifies the size of the cornhole board,
cornhole court, and even the cornhole bag for league play. According to the
Association, “Each bag shall be filled with approximately 2 cups of feed
corn, and finished bags should be roughly 6 square inches and weigh 14-16
ounces.”
Ok. I see a potential problem with
this. Someday, the human cyborg known as Tom Brady will retire from football
and be looking for some sport that doesn’t involve getting lawn-darted by a
300-pound linebacker. How long before we see a “corngate” scandal? Someone will
discover that Brady-borg has de-corned the bags so that they only have 12
ounces in them so they are more evenly balanced with the 12-ounce beer he will
have in his other hand. NOT THAT I’D EVER SUSPECT TOM BRADY OF BENDING ANY
RULES TO WIN A GAME!
I wonder if professional cornhole
sport will ever catch on. Perhaps we will eventually see tens of thousands of
fans packing the stadiums to see their favorite cornholing team. But,
unfortunately, with popularity will come big money and the giant, narcissistic
egos that go with it. In time, the cornhole athletes will show they have no
loyalty to their teams, fans, or country and start wearing outlandish clothes
and beating up their girlfriends. And then, fans will move on to the next big
thing in the sports world—professional Hacky sack.
