The curtain of distraction

This article was originally published in the Sierra Vista Herald on 1 March 2015 under the title, "Taking pride in the 'curtain of distraction.'

It is not easy being an Arizona State graduate deep in the heart of Wildcat territory.  I am the only member of my family who didn’t get his undergrad degree from the University of Arizona, which means family gatherings are a hostile environment with endless jokes about the Tempe Normal School.  In the movie “Dumb and Dumber To,” even the Farrelly Brothers couldn’t pass up a shot at ASU.  When Jeff Daniel’s idiot character, Harry Dunne, looks through his mail that had been collecting at his parent’s house for twenty years he finds an acceptance letter from Arizona State.  Haha, Farrelly Brothers.  Haha.

It is not the first time that ASU has been ridiculed in pop culture.  In an episode of “The Simpsons,” Homer’s straight-laced neighbor, Ned Flanders, notices that Homer made it into heaven after a flood wiped out the entire town. Ned remarks, "Looks like Heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State."  In an episode of “30 Rock,” Alec Baldwin’s character Jack Donaghy says while discussing parenthood, "A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything -- says they're beautiful, even when they're ugly, thinks they're smart, even when they go to Arizona State." Even Sierra Vista Herald’s Matt Hickman mentioned in one his columns last fall that ASU was once a “party school full of idiots.” 

Oh yeah?  Well, I’m a proud alumnus of ASU from the time when it was still a party school full of idiots!  (I guess that clears up a question I had about which side of the “Idiots & Friends” page I belong.)  However, things have changed for my alma mater.  It is a much more serious school now where students dedicate their energy to bettering themselves and becoming scientists or something.  According to my detailed research of Playboy’s annual list of top ten party schools, ASU hasn’t been on the list in years.  Well, almost two.  Okay fine, but on the 2013 list they barely made ninth place, and last year U of A was fourth.  So take that Wilbur!

Yes, it appears ASU is well on its way to becoming a respected institution.  The Tempe Normal School is finally becoming a place where parents can confidently send their youngsters to an institution of higher learning without worrying about the unnecessary distractions of a university know primarily for the quality of its Beer Pong program.  That is until parents hear about the Curtain of Distraction. 

For those of you who don’t follow sports or read the paper or surf the internet or watch the news, you may not have heard about the Curtain of Distraction.  Since ASU students couldn’t get on the Party School List last year, they found another way to get noticed.  The Curtain of Distraction is set up on ASU’s basketball court in the student section.  The students have erected a curtain which opens whenever an opposing team basketball player prepares to take a free-throw.  Once the curtain opens, anything may emerge from it.  All of it is designed to distract the player making the free-throw.  Amorous unicorns, Elvis impersonators, crazy old ladies, man-eating sharks, pregnant clowns, synchronized swimming teams, and countless other frightening images have emerged from this curtain.  Opposing team free-throw shooting percentages have plummeted as a result.  How could they not?

If I were a basketball player, I’d consider this a godsend.  I couldn’t hit a free throw from the foul line if my life depended on it, but the Curtain of Distraction would provide a great excuse.  “Sorry, coach, but I got distracted by the fat, hairy, semi-naked guy imitating Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball.”  Any coach would accept that excuse.  In fact, there are a great many situations in life when we can use the Curtain to blame our failures.  We no longer need a dog to eat our homework.  Now, we have the Curtain of Distraction. 

“Sorry honey, I forgot to pick up the milk on the way home.  During lunch, I saw a clip of the ASU game on ESPN, and a guy in a lactating cow suit emerged from the Curtain of Distraction causing me to become lactose intolerant.”

“Sorry boss, I forgot to do the monthly budget report last night. During the ASU game, a couple of unicorns emerged from the Curtain of Distraction and starting making out with a man dressed like Richard Simmons.  I became temporarily blinded and violently ill and couldn’t do the report.” 

You get the idea. 

For you Wildcat fans who claim nothing good ever came out of Tempe, now you know better.  Thanks to ASU, we all now have a plausible excuse for inexplicable failure.  Fear the fork, Wilbur.