Confessions of a llama queen

This article was originally published in the Sierra Vista Herald on 8 March 2015 under the title, "Not me, I'll never be a llama queen."

The world was treated to yet another absurd social phenomenon recently when the Twitter-Tumblr-Instagram universe exploded due to the combined effects of runaway llamas and the mysterious blue-black dress controversy.  It was an inane social media maelstrom of such enormous magnitude that even Kim Kardashian couldn’t resist becoming a part of it by posting about the dress. 

The llama event occurred right here in Arizona, where once again, we showed the world our impressive ability to distract ourselves from anything important that might be going on.  The llamas are certain to appear from behind the Curtain of Distraction in a future ASU basketball game.  Move aside unicorns, here comes the llama train. 

The two escaped llamas, which evoked a police response that hasn’t been seen since the Tison gang went on a rampage in 1978, paralyzed the news world for hours.  The llamas were in Sun City, of course, an epicenter of golf cart gang activity.  Sun City is to golf carts what Sturgis is to motorcycles.  The llamas, however, proved too fast for the golf cart wranglers.   Llamas, as it turns out, can run up to 28 mph.  Golf carts typically move at about 15 mph.  It was no contest. 

As someone who works with horses, I particularly enjoyed watching squads of llama catchers trying to surround and catch the llamas with outstretched and flapping arms.  Llamas are prey animals.  They didn’t see a group of loving human beings trying to hug them and make them safe.  What the llamas saw was a pack of terrifying, wing-flapping, beady-eyed predators who were obviously intending to make llama-burgers out of them.  Whenever I see this same activity in the horse stables, I always make a point of sitting on the porch, popping open a cool one, and watching the hilarious show to follow.  It just never gets old.  

To make sure that nothing was missed during the harrowing ordeal, at least two helicopters were scrambled overhead to film the unfolding drama.  The news anchors covering the story live proceeded to emit a torrent of horrible puns and rhyming phrases about the llamas.  Banners like “llama drama,” “llamas on the lam,” “llamas on the loose,” and “llow speed chase” scrolled shamelessly across the bottom of TVs throughout the nation during live telecasts of the event.  Well, loyal readers, I would never resort to such lame llamanisms in my column.  I’ll never be a llama queen. 

Once the story about the llamas broke, the Twitterverse exploded.  Even the Arizona Cardinals got in on the action, offering the llamas one-year deals to play ball for the Cards.  Silly idea, but they do need some help at the running back position.  Too bad llamas spit.  Although, who wouldn’t love to see Richard Sherman of the Seahawks get blasted with llama spit while trying to make a tackle.

 The other story that vomited onto the internet was the story about the blue and black dress.  Some people said the dress was black and blue, others white and gold. All I saw was ugly.  I didn’t matter to me which hue the dress was, it was hideous no matter which angle you viewed it.  If someone had worn that dress on the red carpet when Joan Rivers was still around, she would have spontaneously combusted into a cloud of botox vapor.   

The dress caused all kinds of strife throughout the country.  People became angry and fought with one another.  The nation is no longer divided into red states and blue states.  Now, we are divided into blue-black states and white-gold states.  Our sense of reality has been destroyed.  We no longer know what color our favorite football team is wearing. Are we cheering for the Panthers or the Saints?  The scientists who always clear these things up for us have calmly explained that the visual difference is due to primal biology.  You see, our caveman ancestors had to learn how to see things in broad daylight after having spent all morning in their man-caves watching the Panthers and Saints play on their cathode ray television sets.  Their brains had to interpret the reality of the visual world outside the cave once the light entered their corneas, bounced around their nasal cavities, and exited out through their left ear holes.  Well, I don’t know about you, but that explanation clears it up for me. 

Now, everyone is wondering about the black and white llamas.  Were they black and white or were they blue-black and white-gold?  I’m pretty sure the guy that lassoed the llamas from his pickup truck wasn’t sure what people meant when they asked to lasso the black one first.  He probably just closed his eyes and tossed the rope, hoping he didn’t come up with Kim Kardashian.  He heard tell she spits.