Music diplomacy

Ambassador Alice Cooper

This article was originally published in the Sierra Vista Herald on 27 February 2015 under the title, "The history and possibilities of diplomusic."

The exchange of gifts between heads of state is part of the ritual diplomacy designed to show respect and goodwill.  Sometimes, the gifts have a symbolic meaning or are designed to show off the best of a nation’s craftsmanship or quality.  On the Official Website of the British Monarchy, it is noted that the Queen of England has received some interesting gifts over the years including a collection of seashells from Seychelles and a pair of cowboy boots from President Bush the Elder. The website also mentions she received a dozen cans of tuna but doesn’t say who gave them or why.  Obviously, they didn’t come from President Bush the Younger, or it would have been twelve cans of chili instead.    

However, President Obama set a new precedent in 2009 when he gave the British Monarch an iPod with music loaded on it.  I’m not sure what music he loaded, but I’m hoping it was the Top Ten Hits from Queen.  Nothing else would make any sense.  At least she could rock out to Bohemian Rhapsody.  Perhaps it was the Obama gift that inspired Secretary of State, John Kerry to take James Taylor to Paris with him last month to play, “You’ve Got a Friend” to the President of France to soothe some hurt feelings.  High diplomacy at its best. The country that gave us the Statue of Liberty and French Fries gets in return a sappy old song sung by an old, balding, soft rocker.  It could have been worse.  Kerry could have taken Billy Ray Cyrus and had him sing “Achy Breaky Heart.”   

Although Kerry probably cost America one of her closest allies, he has opened up a whole new realm of possibilities for diplomacy.  Instead of giving questionable gifts like cowboy boots and iPods to foreign heads of state, our national leaders could bring a musician along to perform a song to convey our feelings. No more tuna cans for the Queen, now we got diplomusic. 

The possibilities are endless. For instance, instead of imposing economic sanctions on countries that are doing things we don’t like, we could send Alice Cooper to sing to them.  What nation wouldn’t be intimidated by hearing Alice sing, “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and then by watching him chop the head off a doll with a guillotine?  For really serious foreign policy situations, we could have Ozzy Osbourne go along and have him bite the head off a live bat.   If we wanted to skip diplomacy altogether and provoke an instant war, we could use Kanye West.  We’d only need to send him to whatever award presentation a given country was having and leave him there for about fifteen minutes.  We’d have to make sure NORAD was alerted first. 

If we had diplomusic in the 80s, we could have had Madonna wear one of her cone bras while accompanying President Regan to negotiations with Russia to reduce the number of nuclear warheads.  Too bad Miley Cyrus wasn’t around when Reagan was giving his Berlin Wall speech back in 1987.  As soon as he got done saying, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Miley could have come swinging in naked on a heavy steel ball singing, “Wrecking Ball.”  The Soviet Union would have collapsed on the spot, and the Cold War would have ended two years earlier than it did.  Of course, Miley’s tendency to stick her tongue out all the time might have resulted in another war with Germany, but sometimes risks must be taken in high-stakes diplomacy.

We know that the Chinese respect the tiger, so why not send Katy Perry on a diplomatic mission to China.  She could ride into Beijing singing “Roar” on that giant tiger she rode in the Super Bowl.  She could bring those dancing sharks, too.  No sense in pulling any punches. However, the Chinese might counter with “Gangnam Style,” so maybe we’d better not go down that road.  It could result in Mutually Assured Pop Music Destruction. 

Of course, we could also use diplomusic to foster trade relations.  We export a lot of beef to Asian, so maybe we could send Lady Gaga over in her meat dress to facilitate beef exports.  Better not send her to North Korea though, I heard Kim Jong Un had his uncle eaten alive by starving dogs.  There’d be nothing left of Gaga but a nose ring and an armpit tat. 

On second thought, maybe diplomusic isn’t a good idea.  Sending James Taylor to Paris may have been pathetic, but at least it wasn’t dangerous.  I’m not sure you could say the same if we sent Justin Beiber over there.  Some things just can’t be forgiven.  I mean, look what he did to the Steelers last season.