Don't touch the iguanas

As a former resident of Florida, I can attest to the fact that it is one of the most dangerous places to live in America—outside of California, that is. Florida is full of alligators, snakes, and sharks. I know the sharks are supposed to stay in the water, but I've seen enough Sharknado movies to realize that you aren't safe from them anywhere. 

Also, Florida gets hit by tropical storms just about every week. Hurricanes can spawn anywhere in the Atlantic, but will always make a beeline for Florida regardless of where they start. I think Florida is the only state where being a local TV weatherman is more dangerous than doing a night patrol in Afghanistan.

Now, Floridians face a new danger. Due to the recent freezing weather in the Sunshine State, people living there now must worry about being hit in the head by a frozen iguana falling out of a tree. Iguanas, being cold-blooded animals, don't do well in cold weather. Once the ambient air temperature drops below 40 degrees Fahrenheit, the iguanas stiffen up and lose their grip on the tree branch where they're sitting. Thus, it was raining iguanas in Florida this winter.

Many Floridians woke up after the freeze and found iguana-pops all over their backyards. Of course, they soon began to ask "knowledgeable authorities" what they should do. By "knowledgeable authorities," I assume that meant they Googled it. Knowledgeable authorities said don't touch the iguanas. They may look dead, but many of them are just waiting for some ignorant Floridian without internet to reach down so they can bite them. Iguanas are like that. 

There is a story of a man who thought he'd collect the frozen iguanas and take them home for a barbecue. He picked them up and threw them in the back of his station wagon like cordwood. Unfortunately, the iguanas thawed out and began getting frisky. The overpowered the driver and forced him to drive them to Cuba. Haha. Just kidding. They were really with the MS13 gang and forced him to take them to Long Island.

Iguanas are not native to Florida. They were relatively rare until the 80s when people started buying them as pets. Iguanas are cute when they are small, but they can grow to six feet in length and fifteen pounds in weight. If they aren’t socialized as they grow up, they start acting like wild, ferocious, hissing, razor-sharp-teeth biting hell-dragons. Thus, cute little Iggy the iguana gets booted out the back door and left to figure out how to survive in the jungle on his own. 

In Central America, iguanas aren’t kept as pets. Down there they are known as “tree chickens.” You can buy them at the local market. I’ve seen them at markets in Honduras, stacked up on a table with their legs tied behind their backs waiting to be someone’s dinner. Not the same as choosing a puppy at the pet store. 

The iguanas aren't welcome in Florida. The iguanas don't bother anyone; they just prefer to hang out in trees munching on leaves. Unfortunately, they have a fondness for Mango and Hibiscus trees. Floridians may be tolerant of illegal aliens in their state, but they draw the line at anything that eats their Hibiscus trees. 

Well, while living in Florida in the 80s and 90s I may have survived hurricanes and dwelling among alligators, but at least I didn’t end up being hit on the head by a fifteen-pound frozen iguana falling out of a tree. Next time I go, I’ll be sure to wear a helmet.