Camels should be judged on what's inside

In Saudi Arabia, they don’t have beauty contests for women. Strict dress codes for women require them to be more-or-less completely covered when they appear in public. They definitely do not have a swimwear competition. So, Saudi men, not being able to observe the beauty of the Saudi women for fear of having sinful thoughts, must turn to the next best thing. Camel beauty contests.

The King Abdulaziz camel festival is to the Saudis what the Super Bowl is to us. The prize for having the most beautiful camel is 20 million Saudi riyals. That equates to over 5.3 million dollars. You can buy a lot of tickets to camel beauty contests for that kind of money.   

Apparently, some 30,000 camels compete in the month-long beauty contest. The judges watch the camels as a mounted camel trainer drives them around the stadium. The judges are required to view about thirty camels at a time.

OK, I’m not a math wizard, but that means that if the contest is held every day for thirty days, the judges must watch about 33 groups of 30 camels being driven by them every day.  These guys are supposedly judging 1,000 camels a day. That’s a lot of humping. So, to speak.  

Of course, there are criteria for what is considered a beautiful camel. The judges use a 100-point system to evaluate the camels. One-quarter of the points come from the head and neck. A camel is considered to have a beautiful head if it is large, has firm ears, long whiskers, a shapely nose and lips, and a long neck. The judges particularly like droopy noses and lips.

One has to wonder about the criteria. Is this beauty from the camel’s perspective or a Saudi man’s perspective? I guess if you live in a country where all the women are required to wear large black potato sacks in public, you will start to look at camels in a different light. It is important to note that most of the camel contestants are female.   

To be honest, I’m completely horrified by this whole concept. I prefer to judge camels by who they are as opposed to objectifying them because they have large, beautiful, dreamy, droopy lips… Ahem. I mean, gentlemen just don’t notice those things. 

Of course, you can’t have a beauty pageant without scandal. The latest news from Saudi Arabia is that twelve camels were disqualified from the contest because the owners had injected their lips and heads with Botox to make them look better. I have to tip my hat to the judges who can watch thirty camels run by them at once, be able to judge which one looks the best, and also be able to pick out the camels who have had Botox injections. Now, that’s a keen eye for detail.

I’m wondering what other kinds of “enhancements” the competitors can use to improve their look? How about false eyelashes, ear extensions, and hump falsies? If long necks are important criteria, one wonders if there is ExtenZe for Camels?

I’ve never been to a camel beauty contest, but I have watched the Miss Universe pageant on television. I’m assuming camel contests are run the same way. I think I’d really like to see the camel contest Final Question round where the camels have to answer questions are various social, cultural, and political topics. I’d want to know if the camel could articulate itself under pressure while sharing a thoughtful, well-informed response to an inane question from a Hollywood celebrity.

Or maybe I’d just like to see a camel spit on a judge.