Urine trouble, pardner

There are some common-sense cowboy sayings that every man or woman should be familiar with even if they don’t wear a big hat and castrate cattle for a living. Although most of these sayings were practical observations that only made sense on the open range, we can apply some of them to life in general.

One example of a saying that makes sense out West but has application to city life would be, “Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.” Now, I can’t think of any logical reason for a cowboy to hug a grizzly, but I suppose it gets lonely out on the prairie and a cowpoke must look for affection wherever he can find it. In any case, the application to urban life is that you should never let your guard down when dealing with potentially dangerous people—like a mother-in-law, for instance.

Another example of a good cowboy saying is, “Always drink upstream from the herd.” To a city dweller, I think this translates to, “Never open your mouth when swimming in a public pool.” However, based on a recent story I read in the news, I may have been wrong about this.  It might really mean, “Never use a microwave oven in a convenience store.”

According to numerous news reports, last week a woman was cited for putting her urine in a microwave oven at a 7-Eleven store in Aurora, Colorado. The woman, whose name is Angelique Sanchez, was seen by a store employee putting something into a microwave oven. Seconds later the employee heard a loud bang and then saw Sanchez take a white plastic bottle out of the oven.

The clerk saw a yellow, urine-smelling liquid dripping out of the oven and demanded that Sanchez clean it up. Sanchez grabbed a handful of napkins and wiped the liquid out of the oven onto the floor and left. The Aurora police were summoned and tracked down Sanchez a half mile away at a local health clinic where she was taking a urinalysis test as part of a job application.

Apparently, she planned to heat up the urine in the white bottle until it was body-temperature and then submit it as her own sample. I guess if the sample was below body temperature the clinic people would know that it was not from her. I guess she has a close friend willing to donate their urine to her or maybe she mugged a hobo earlier in the day.

When the police officer questioned Sanchez about leaving urine in an oven that people were using to cook their food in, she allegedly told the officer that it wasn’t real urine. Oh, that changes everything. I’m sure most people wouldn’t be bothered by cooking their food in an oven soaked in a yellow liquid that only smells like urine.

Whatever was in that plastic bottle, Sanchez was ultimately cited for destruction of a $500 appliance, and she wasn’t allowed to complete her drug test. The news articles didn’t say what job she was applying for. Since marijuana is legal in Colorado, it must have been a job that permits smoking dope, but not crack or meth—a marijuana-friendly job like airline pilot, school teacher, or Navy SEAL. Whatever.

 The important lesson here is to never, never, never under any circumstances eat anything that comes out of a convenience store microwave--or as a cowboy would say, “Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it is critical to know what it was.”