Modern dining etiquette for all you old people

Family meals have always been an important part of American culture.  It is here that parents teach their youngsters how to establish a healthy diet, how to interact with other family members or guests socially, and how to use proper table etiquette. However, given changes in society today, it is important to update etiquette rules to match the times.

Many of us who were born back in the days when the solar system still had nine planets have not been properly trained in modern table-manners. To help prevent us from committing a table etiquette faux pas (French for fox excrement), I will do my best to provide modern, up-to-date guidance on how to behave correctly at the modern dinner table.

Dressing for dinner.  Make sure you are properly attired and groomed for the dinner table.  Ensure you have recently cleaned your bare feet and if you sit cross-legged on the chair, make sure to keep your feet and knees below the level of the table surface. Also, if you are not wearing pants, please make sure your undergarments are clean and have no holes in them. Do not wear a white thong after Labor Day.

Handling the cutlery. You should grasp your fork in your left hand with the tines pointed downward. Stab your food with the fork using a downward motion and then tilt the fork and the food toward your mouth. To avoid an awkward contortion of your arm and to avoid dropping the food on the table, tilt your head back so you can dangle the food over your open mouth and suck the food off the tines. 

Verifying the correctness of the food. After the host has placed the food on the table be sure to interrogate them to ensure the food doesn’t violate your food aversions, political ideology, or religion. It is the responsibility of the food provider to ensure the food is gluten-free, free-range, meat-free, organic, and not genetically modified. If the cook fails to do this, explain the error to them and politely push the plate away. If there is meat on the plate, it is appropriate to sob slightly and then take the meat out into the backyard for burial after offering a prayer to mother earth.

Conversation at the table. It is important to keep the conversation lively by loudly talking about politics and religion. State your positions on gun control, abortions, human sexuality, illegal immigration, religious tolerance, and Donald Trump confidently and in as self-righteous a tone as possible. Make frequent use of nonsequiturs to help solidify your position. Do not tolerate differences of opinion without appropriately labeling the dissenter as an extremist. 

Electronic devices.  Be sure to keep your personal electronic device on the table or in your lap during the meal. Make sure to program your device to make obnoxious noises when a message, text, alert, or phone call comes in. If you have your phone set to vibrate, be sure to place it on the bread plate so that it makes as much noise as possible. Answer all texts and Snapchats as soon as possible. In this way, you can ensure that everyone at the table understands how busy your life is and appreciate how lucky they are that you almost included them in it. 

I think if more of the mature people in our society learned these important changes in etiquette, meals would be much more enjoyable for all involved. The pointless attempt to cling to traditional table manners will only result in hurt feelings and the need to go to a safe place.