The valley of the sex dolls

Isn’t technology wonderful? Back in the old days, sex deviants had to make due with inflatable sex dolls.  I’ve never seen one up close, but it is difficult to imagine anyone ever getting intimate with one (my apologies to any of my readers who have—I’m not judging you—OK, maybe I am). To most people, the inflatable doll has all the same sex appeal as a pool raft.  

Thanks to modern technology, sex dolls have become much more realistic. They look disturbingly like real women, but without the stretch marks and leg hair stubble. Some of them can speak and have eyes that move. Some of them even have removable parts for cleaning. Isn’t that convenient?

Is it just me or do all these female sex dolls look like they have had boob jobs?

The regular, non-speaking, dolls that don’t have internal heating elements can cost about $1,600. The robotic kind that can carry on a Stepford Wives conversation with you can cost $5,000 or more depending on just how many features you are willing to buy.  It’s still a pretty good bargain as a real trophy-wife would cost you millions, and the conversation probably wouldn’t be any better. 

Still, for the average, working-class sex deviant these prices are way beyond the typical entertainment budget.  Fortunately, entrepreneurs around the world have recognized this problem and have provided a solution. In various cities in Europe, most notably Paris, you can now find sex doll brothels. Now, for about the same price as an evening at the local Hooters, I guy can hook up with one of these plastic dolls.

The sex-doll brothels are set up in secret locations to avoid local laws against prostitution, and you must go online to make an appointment. Once the customer makes the appointment, the madam or pimp reveals the secret location. Once the client is in the brothel, he can select from several different dolls before retiring to a private room for an hour of recreational activities—whatever that may be. After each session, the dolls are cleaned and sanitized for the next customer’s protection.

POSSIBLE JOB ALERT! Sex doll sanitation engineer. The job requires rapid cleaning skills and total surrender of all personal dignity. Rubber gloves and turkey baster provided. May lead to eventual advancement to chief toilet bowl cleaner.

I can’t wait until one of these places gets raided by the police. Who wouldn’t enjoy seeing cops wearing rubber gloves carrying all the jiggling handcuffed sex dolls out of the building and loading them into a paddy wagon?

Naturally, the sex doll brothels are being protested by feminists and communists in France.  These groups claim that the brothels are a place where men pay to rape women. Well, to rape something that looks like a woman. OK, maybe just a big chunk of silicon with lipstick on it. Whatever. It still fuels the rape fantasy concept that directly leads to the raping of real women.

WHAT! Don’t these fiends know that fueling rape fantasies are the job of Hollywood producers and video game companies? The nerve.

I’m beginning to wonder where we are going with all this. Not only is it weird that people are opting to have intimate relations with rubber dolls, but that people are protesting this as if they were protecting the rights of real people. How long before these sex dolls start to form labor unions and earn the right to vote or claim that they once had an affair with Donald Trump?

It just keeps getting weirder.  Now, where did I put that inflatable pool raft?