Unstable air

No sooner than I post the story about demonic children on a plane, then the story breaks (so to speak) about a plane that had to land due to a flatulent passenger. Last weekend, a low-budget Dutch airline called Transavia, flying from Dubai to Amsterdam, had to divert to Vienna due to a fight between passengers on the plane. The pilot reported to traffic control, “passengers on a rampage.”   

Apparently, two Dutchmen were sitting next to an elderly, overweight man who was suffering from some gastronomical distress and was loudly breaking wind. The two men asked the man to stop, but he refused to comply. The two men then asked the airplane crew for assistance with the gassy patron and the pilot then gave a direct order to the passenger to stop farting. The passenger did not comply, and a fight ensued. 

When the flight landed in Vienna, police boarded the plane with dogs and removed four passengers. The two Dutchmen who had complained about the farting and two Moroccan sisters who were sitting in the same row were removed from the plane. The airlines said the two sisters were unruly, but the Moroccan women claimed they were just innocent bystanders who just happened to be caught in the “crossfire.” The airlines permitted the flatulent passenger to continue to Amsterdam. The four passengers who were removed from the flight received lifetime bans from traveling on Transavia ever again.

I can see how this situation got out of hand. I used to live on the German-Dutch border, and I know the Dutch are not the kind of people who can refrain from saying what’s on their minds and they are usually somewhat blunt in how they say it. Out of control, flatulence is just not the kind of thing that Dutch people are going to endure without comment.

Flatulent passenger, “Riiiiipppp!”

Dutch passenger, “Hey! Vat is dat noise? You can’t do dat in here.”

Flatulent passenger, “Pppphhhhttt!

Dutch passenger, “Hey you, stop dat fartin right now dis instant!”

Flatulent passenger, “Rumparumparumpa-phht!”

Dutch passenger, “OK, dats it! You gonna die now!”

The nationality of the offending farter was not revealed in any of the numerous news stories about the incident. Nor was it revealed what he had for lunch. Do they sell chili at the airport in Dubai? Was this man a victim of a bad culinary experience or was he just a product of a different culture where farting on a public conveyance is considered appropriate?  

I’m not clear on the international aviation rules about flatulence. Does the captain of the plane really have the authority to tell someone to stop farting? What do you do if the passenger can’t or won’t stop? You can’t exactly open a window.

The was an incident several years ago on a British Airways flight out of London that had to turn back because someone had a particularly smelly bowel movement in the lavatory. The odor was so foul that the plane turned around after being only 30 minutes into the 7-hour flight and had to return to Heathrow. Passengers had to wait 15 hours to catch the next flight to, you guessed it, Dubai. 

Is it a coincidence that both these flights were connecting to Dubai or are we seeing the beginnings of a diabolical plot from an international terrorist organization that is trying out a new form of biological warfare? Maybe that is why the Austrian police brought fart-sniffing dogs on board the Transavia plane.  

Now we understand what the pilot means we he says we are about to experience “unstable air.”