Demonic children on a plane

I used to fly a lot. I flew on the E-3 Sentry for several years, but I also often traveled on business while I was on active duty with the Air Force. Many of the flights were long. The E-3 flights typically lasted ten hours or more. I also made a lot of trans-Atlantic flights when traveling to and from Europe. It was no big deal back then. Now I don’t fly it all if I can avoid it.

Flying, like many aspects of life today, has changed. First, you have to be electronically strip searched before you can get on the plane. You must empty your pockets, remove your shoes, remove your coat, and possibly endure a manual strip search. I have a piece of metal in my arm that is large enough to set off a metal detector. I have a card from my surgeon explaining this. Unfortunately, my surgeon has a Pakistani name.

Getting on the flight is just the beginning of the traveling ordeal. As I discussed previously, you may find yourself seated next to someone who has a comfort animal sitting on their lap—like a turkey or a Rottweiler. Or, perhaps you’ll be next to someone who just flushed their comfort hamster down the toilet.

However, most any animal is better than sitting next to someone who has a toddler. I have endured the toddler thing both as a passenger and as a parent.

I once did an overnight trans-Atlantic flight next to a young mother who had a small, squirming, noisy child on her lap. It wasn’t a problem for me. Being a highly trained military professional, I can sleep in any place and any situation even if there is gunfire and tear gas involved. When I awoke the following morning, completely refreshed, I noticed the young woman staring at me with hatred. She had been up all night with the child and couldn’t even get up to use the toilet. She dropped the child in my lap and went to the bathroom for what seemed like the rest of the flight. I think she took a nap in there.

Years later, I was in her shoes when bringing my family and one-year-old son back to America for a visit. He did not travel well. He cried for much of the first leg of the journey despite all my wife’s attempts to distract him. When the plane landed, and people began to disembark, they all turned to look at the devil child. On the next leg, I decided to shroud him like a bird in a cage. We had strapped him into his seat in a car carrier, so I draped a blanket over him like a tent. He squawked for a few minutes and then went to sleep. Peace at last.

I don’t know if this technique would have worked with the demonic child that was filmed on an 8-hour flight from Germany to New Jersey last summer. The child was running up and down the aisle and climbing seats and screaming for the entire journey. Someone posted a video of the ordeal on YouTube. Now we know why weapons aren’t allowed on airplanes.

 I’m sure there are other ways to deal with demonic children that don’t involve cruelty. I mean, don’t they have overhead bins and duct tape on airplanes? Perhaps one of those air masks in the overhead compartment could be rigged with a general anesthetic? I’m just spit-balling here.

I’m sure someone will eventually figure this out. Until then, I’ll just drive to where I need to go.